mrblueeyes | Open Post & Wishlist

Open Post & Wishlist

RP wishlist:
Shippy stuff with Suguru forever. Also always interested in Nanami, and I'm totally here for dark shit with Sukuna. Interested to explore ship possibilities with other canonmates (but not his students or the younger generation in general). Open to a variety of power dynamics but have a preference for Gojo bottoming--I find when I play him that he likes to flex like he's more dominant and toppy, but his actual type is guys who will call him out on that shit and make him yield.

My dream PSLs are usually long, plotty, filled with conflicting motivations, and also a large side of smut and kink. I like playing with co-dependent and obsessive relationships where things get messy and characters make bad decisions. I love building plots so I'm more than happy to come up with ideas, and I'm always up for building AU backstories and settings.

Specific ideas & most wanted right now:

Sugusato:
-At the end of jjk0, Gojo spares Geto and steals him away, nurses him back to health but keeps him locked up.

-Beauty & the Beast AU. Knight Gojo shows up to slay shapeshifter Geto, but gets caught in the enchantment and trapped in the castle with Geto and his pet curses, and has to learn empathy toward curses and falls in love with Geto while he's trying to figure out how to break the spell.

weird dystopian jujutsu sorcerers openly rule modern society as kings AUs:
-heian era or fantasy au option, rebel/feral curse user geto gets captured to be used as a puppet under gojo family control
-modern au (still jujutsu dystopia, sort of arranged marriage), geto getting pushed into indentured servitude for the gojo family, with lots of bullshit about how honored he should be for the 'apprenticeship' when really it's just how the noble families control powerful sorcerers popping up among the commoners

-teenage fluff shenanigans forever, awkward misunderstandings, jealousy, cute confessions

-dark AUs generally (curse user Gojo AUs, evil Geto willing to seduce/corrupt/kidnap/exploit Gojo)

Sukugo:
-Hundreds of years ago Sukuna was defeated and bound to obey the Gojo family. Now, the heir of the Gojo family knows this curse is dangerous, but he’s starting to become a little obsessed…

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At the question, Suguru slides a few vegetables across the counter, along with the cutting board and knife. Satoru is good at chopping— unfairly good, in Suguru's eyes, because he's just like that— and it will save some prep work while Suguru does the rest of the prep.

"Julienne the carrots and zucchini, and dice the onion," he instructs, and shifts one of the lights so it's not beaming direct light at the counter, but more diffused, just enough light for him to work with, and so Suguru has enough light to see properly over the stove and the counters next to it.

"So you want to be romanced and loved, and none of the guys you sleep with can do that?" he asks after a few minutes of measuring and pouring things out for a simple stir-fry. "I won't ask why you're seeing them, that's your business. Perhaps—" he starts, then shakes his head, and changes his question. He can't get Satoru to start thinking about who might have left the letter because Satoru would figure it out, he assumes. Suguru knows he's brilliant, and it was, again, an incredible risk to write the letter in the first place. "Have you been settling this entire time or is it just now that you've been considering this? And there's no wrong or right answer, I'm just curious. You've seemed content enough with your... relationships."

Of course, Suguru doesn't see everything, even if they are always in each other's pockets. He has some secrets from Satoru, and he assumes Satoru is the same. Not to mention, he really doesn't see Satoru after he's had sex, at least not immediately, and not on the dates he goes on with those guys. Which is for the best, he wouldn't be able to handle that.

Satoru is indeed unfairly good at chopping, with his natural aptitude for nearly any skill he picks up. Moving to the station that Suguru sets for him (another surge of affection and gratitude in how Suguru cares for him by adjusting the lights, his Suguru who takes such good care of him), Satoru picks up the knife, tossing it up so it spins and catching it again, careless and easy, before he starts chopping as requested.

"I don't know if I'd call it settling, really. And they've never been relationships, they've only ever been hookups. A part of my usual drive for pleasure. Since I was a teenager, once I developed that hunger for kissing and sex, I just ... pursued it. Hooked up with anyone who would have me, feeding that hunger like an addiction. But sometimes I do get disgusted with myself for it. Sometimes I stop for a while, because I'm tired of all the different faces, tired of feeling disposable."

His hands move with swift accuracy as he speaks, reducing the vegetables into tidy piles of prepared pieces with professional skill.

"But after four or five days I start getting restless and irritable. You know how sometimes I start getting more intensely bitey? Not my usual weird oral fixation." Poor Suguru putting up with Satoru just giving his shoulder a random chomp of affection. "If I bite you hard enough that you say 'ow' and snap at me for it, I know I'm starting to go feral. Picking fights both literally and figuratively." Satoru pauses, sighing. Why is he like this?

"Then I need to get laid to take the edge off. Masturbation has never been enough. So I go back to the hookup apps. To return to your question about 'settling' ... it doesn't feel like I'm settling. More like I'm refusing to settle."

He sets down the knife and steps away from the cutting board, moving to the sink where Suguru has discarded a couple of items as he works. Satoru adjusts the light above the sink, then starts tidying up those dishes without needing to be asked. His guilt at being such a burden today is driving him to be as helpful as he can manage.

"Say that I hit it off with a guy well enough that we hook up more than once. The convenience of that is nice. Saves time in re-negotiating preferences, if he already knows what I like. But sooner or later--usually sooner--they get fed up with me. I'm too high-maintenance. I get needy and weird. Or ... to be honest, sometimes a guy will get all romantic with me. And I do like that, feeling cared for and valued. Like we talked about. But it ... spooks me, too. I tend to drive those ones off, or ghost them. It's like I can't accept being romanced and loved, no matter how much I'm starved for it. Maybe that adds to the appeal of the letter. I get that romance while also having an excuse to keep him literally at a distance."

"Show-off," Suguru mutters, rolling his eyes at how Satoru tosses the knife, but he grins as he says it.

"So you bite me when you're sexually frustrated." That sounds about right, if Suguru thinks about it. Satoru frequently bites him, but sometimes it's hard enough to break skin, and the frustration makes sense. "So you've figured out you need sex to keep yourself in check, even if you didn't open yourself up for a relationship."

Here Satoru is, pouring out his heart to Suguru, who keeps these things to himself. His sexuality, he knows, is deeper than that. He knows what turns him on, and even to some extent what he'd like to do rather than fantasize about it, and what sounds good in theory but he'd never want to do, even if he had the chance; he's not wholly virginal, despite what Satoru thinks, and he doesn't need sex in the same way, but his desire is complicated. It would likely shock Satoru, despite being used to roughness, and he doesn't want to share that, especially when the only person he'd want to do most of those things with is Satoru.

Realizing Satoru's washing up the dishes, Suguru nudges him with an elbow as he drops another dirty dish in the sink. "Go set the table, dinner's almost ready."

It does help to have most of the dishes done, and he grins fondly at his friend before returning to the stove to finish the stir fry, and dish out food before joining Satoru at the table.

"So you're afraid of being romanced by these guys, but the letter writer appeals." The distance and the safety of that makes sense to him, though this is really opening up a different side of Satoru that Suguru didn't know existed. It's interesting, even if he feels slightly guilty about it, and somewhat depressing; he's sure that once Satoru realizes the letter writer is him, he'll never want to date Suguru.

"And what if this letter writer proposes to meet one day?" he asks, and then mentally berates himself. What a stupid question, and he shouldn't get Satoru thinking about that.

Obeying automatically, Satoru dries the water off his hands and goes to set the table, glancing back when he's done to see if Suguru needs more help, then settling into his place at the table when it seems clear he doesn't.

Thinking over the question, Satoru digs into his food, taking his time with processing through all of this. It takes a while to figure out what he wants and how he feels about things, but there's no hurry, and as he's said--this seems like something that's good for him, something that's made him think.

"All very theoretical at the moment," he says at last. "Who knows how I'll feel after a few more of these letters. But for the sake of the rhetoric in your question, let's say that things go great, I'm happily infatuated and the letter writer can obviously tell that. It's possible that whatever infatuation, allowed to grow in the emotional safety of distance, through these letters, will turn my head and I'll agree to give it a shot. And then probably immediately sabotage things once it becomes obvious that he's a real human person and not whatever kinky fantasy Prince Charming was happening in my head. But at the moment, after everything we've talked about today, I feel like it's more likely that I'd turn him down. I don't want something real. I just want the fantasy."

Satoru's throat tightens once those words come out of his mouth, and he goes still, staring into his food. Of course he wants something real. He's achingly starved for something real. He can't have meant that.

It feels like he meant it. No matter how much that letter has turned his head today, no matter how much he wants to lose himself in that. No matter how well things might go from here. If the letter writer asked to meet, Satoru can't imagine genuinely saying anything but 'no'.

"I'd like to stop talking about this," he says after a moment, managing to dip his fork again instead of pushing his plate away. He still feels a little sick at the implication of what he just said. He'll never have real romance. Unless he manages to change in some significant ways, he'll always push away any chance of it.

His appetite is ruined, but Suguru cooked for him and Satoru doesn't want to spoil another meal today with his moodiness.

"Can we watch TV after dinner?"

He expects Suguru will understand the actual request here. It doesn't matter what they watch. It doesn't even matter whether Suguru reads a book or something instead of paying attention. What he's actually asking for is to sit on the couch snuggled up beside Suguru, because he wants the warmth and contact of being tucked close against Suguru's side. Having the TV on is just an excuse.

There's something there, of course, but since Satoru asked, he's not going to push. Besides, Suguru isn't prepared for dealing with this either, as much as he cares about Satoru— or perhaps because he does care so much, and the discussion about romance gets complicated.

"There's a movie I wanted to watch, we should do that tonight." Before this, he'd been planning on suggesting they watch it over the weekend, but it was good a night as any to settle in and watch a movie. Satoru was usually a warm weight against his side when they were watching things, and it would be comforting after all of this to just sit with him and relax, instead of thinking about what to do next.

He can figure that out later. He's got time; after all, he was the one to tell Satoru not to panic over not getting a letter immediately. And maybe he can figure out how to end this without hurting Satoru too much.

He stands and grabs Satoru's plate so he can store away the leftovers and wash the remaining dishes. "There are those daifuku left over from the other day, why don't we have those for dessert with the movie. Let me grab them, they need to come to room temperature before we eat them."

They're not really Suguru's preferred sweets, which means Satoru will eat most of the left over daifuku, which is fine with Suguru. He pulls out the box, handing it over to Satoru and shooing him off to the living room.

It doesn't take long for him to finish the dishes and put everything up, and join Satoru on the couch, pulling the throw blanket off the back to cover them.

Happy and excited for this plan, Satoru obeys and goes to settle on the couch with the sweets. (He does not wait for them to come to room temperature before starting to nibble on one.) Once Suguru joins him, he tucks his head against Suguru's shoulder, staring at the screen without taking much of it in. His mind is quiet, mostly through emotional exhaustion. The whole day has been a lot to cope with.

Curling toward Suguru more and more without thinking about it, Satoru leans his bent legs against Suguru's thigh, then loops his arms around Suguru's waist. His head is heavy, and as he shifts his cheek or fidgets to get more comfortable, he keeps inching a little closer each time without realizing he's doing it, until his nose is almost brushing the side of Suguru's throat. Suguru smells amazing, the scent of his soap and shampoo, the slight accumulation of salt and sweat after a long day. Warmth pools in Satoru's belly, mouth watering with desire.

All at once Satoru realizes what's happening. He goes still, then slowly and carefully reverses, letting go and pulling away. "I'm. Gonna. Go. Um. Take a shower." His cheeks are flushed with embarrassment, since he's pretty sure it was obvious what was happening there. (And it was far, far from the first time. Satoru has a habit of being three steps past any boundary before he realizes there was a boundary.)

It's a lengthy shower, and Satoru returns with his cheeks still flushed, avoiding Suguru's gaze. But he does at least seem calmer when he tucks himself back against Suguru's side, chin lifted and actually halfway watching the movie now. Often, he'd have his phone out at this point, scrolling through the apps for likely prospects to hook up with. Instead, it's been forgotten, set down on the table in the front hall along with his blindfold and left there hours ago without Satoru ever wondering about it.

It's still relatively early when the movie finishes, but Satoru pulls away anyway. "I'm gonna..." Go masturbate and think about that letter some more? Yeah. Probably.

Pushing those thoughts aside at least until he gets back to his room, Satoru gives his friend a lopsided smile as he gets up. "Thanks for taking care of me, Suguru. And for putting up with me. Especially on the high-maintenance days." He knows he's a lot.

When Satoru gets up to shower, Suguru is surprised. Still, he says nothing of it, and even pauses the movie for a moment to run outside to the mailbox, grabbing the letter and carefully hiding it in his bag well before Satoru rejoins him in the living room.

Suguru doesn't often let himself indulge in touching Satoru. He knows Satoru likes it, and he will hug his friend, pat him on the back, rub his neck, take his arm to guide him around, and even let Satoru cling to him most of the time. But Suguru is careful even with that, not thinking anything more than Satoru's an affectionate, clingy type of guy. It's rare when he's clingy or affectionate, too worried he would start and never stop. But sometimes, like that day, he knows Satoru needs something more, so he loops an arm around Satoru when he returns and runs his fingers through his hair, calm and reassuring.

When the movie finishes, he almost expects Satoru to want to watch something more, so he's surprised when he pulls away. He's quick to mask it, because it does work out well for him. "You're my best friend, Satoru, you know I don't mind."

He says it with a smile, standing up and folding up the blanket. While he hadn't been planning on writing a letter that night — was going to give it further thought, in fact — this now gives him a lot more time to write something out. He finishes cleaning up a few things before disappearing into his room, and only once he's sure Satoru isn't going to find him does he settle down and write his next letter.

The next morning, when Satoru joins him for breakfast, there will be another letter, with the same precise handwriting, lacking any color, Satoru's name printed in careful calligraphy on the front.

五条悟—
Maybe I'll start calling you 'princess' in these letters, if that's what you took from it. I wondered about you and whether you'd like those sorts of nicknames or not. You never look happy on your dates. You laugh, and smile, and tease, but it never seems genuine. I can't see your eyes, but I know you, princess. And the guys you're with never see it; they just like the fact that they're fucking you, the talented and gorgeous Gojo Satoru, and don't care about the person beneath that facade.

Do you like it when they get rough? When they manhandle you? Or do you like it tender and gentle, a slow build to the finish line? Do you even know yourself?

But that isn't why I'm writing this. You want to know more. What do you want to know, princess? How I want to do things to you that might leave you blushing, or how I want to do things to make you quiet out of pleasure? You have to be specific, I'm not a mindreader. Think about it sometime. Tell me what you want to know more about, and I'll consider telling you. (Yes, consider: asking doesn't mean receiving.)

I didn't expect you to respond to me, at all. So I'll tell you a few things now, without prompting. All those dates you go on, all those men you take home or go back to their place: they don't know how to make you feel. Sure, they can get you out of your head and give you the release you need — who doesn't need that sexual release — but there's more to sex than that. I could make you feel so much that it would overwhelm you. I want to, sometimes. But you would never look at me that way. You probably don't know I exist. It's foolish, how I yearn for you, and you don't even see.

Your smile is bitter sometimes, hiding things. Did you know that? I don't think anyone notices, but it's there. You're the pretty one, the popular one, good with interviews and the press, and you live up the hotshot genius well enough. But you want to be seen as more than that. It's why none of these men are ever good enough for you.

Satoru's up with his first alarm for the first time in a while, heading downstairs earlier than usual, while Suguru's still cooking. His heart flips over at the sight of the letter by his plate, and he wants to snatch it up at once, but he forces himself to be calm.

Slipping his arms briefly around Suguru's waist from behind, Satoru squeezes him with a hug, then lets go to pour himself coffee. He wants to savor the way his heart is pounding. Taking a couple of sips of the coffee before he allows himself to drift back over to his chair, Satoru hooks an ankle around one of the legs, pulling it back and sinking into the chair. What is it that has him so hesitant over this? He wants so much to read it, but he's scared, too. Scared that he'll like it too much, scared that he won't like it at all.

So he fidgets, getting up and pacing back over to Suguru, then halfway back to the chair, back again, hovering near Suguru because Suguru represents safety. Finally he feels dumb about his nerves, starting to blush with embarrassment, so he makes himself go and sit and open the letter. His knee bounces as he reads it, twice over, already thinking about things he wants to say in return.

When Suguru sets down the plate beside him, Satoru looks up with a tentative smile, reaching to brush his knuckles against Suguru's arm. He gets up and goes over to stand behind Suguru's chair, giving him the letter and looping his arms around Suguru's shoulders, pressing his cheek against Suguru's hair. "I think it's okay. I mean, he reiterates a couple things, that no one else is good enough for me and that I'll never see him, so those things still seem a little obsessive and stalkerish, but ... I think it's okay?"

Leaving Suguru to read it, Satoru goes and sits back down, eating hungrily and glancing nervously at Suguru for permission that things can continue.

Just a few bites up, he gets up and gets a pen and paper, bringing it back to his seat, then going to stand behind Suguru again. "Can I do your hair?"

It's something he asks for only rarely, and yet it's something that he's occasionally asked for from the start. Satoru never had sisters, never had any other reason to learn this, but he'd always loved putting his hands in Suguru's hair. So he'd braided Suguru's hair. Then he'd looked up different styles. Even if it was a rare thing, he'd gotten good at it, like everything he put his hands to.

His hands are already pulling the elastic from Suguru's bun even before he has permission. He'll put the bun back in place--the style is right for Suguru and always has been, he almost never tries anything that doesn't include that--but he'll work a few small braids in alongside it. Today he puts a slim french braid up the center of Suguru's head like a crest, subtle and elegant, before he puts the bun back in place.

When Satoru hands him the letter, Suguru glances over it, pretending to read closely, just to throw off any suspicion. He hopes there's enough in the letter to make Satoru think it's someone else, or at least not connect him to the letter. This entire letter thing has been a bad idea, and Suguru isn't sure what he expects out of this. Even if Satoru likes him through the letter, he can hardly come out and say "Hey, Satoru, I've been the one writing weird, obsessive letters to you about how I want to fuck you" without endangering their friendship. Suguru values their friendship far too much to risk that.

But he's committed, and Geto Suguru has never been one to back down from a decision once he's made it.

"It doesn't seem bad," he agrees, finally lifting his eyes to look at Satoru. "He cares about you. I still think it's a little suspicious, and there are some stalkerish behaviors, but it's not harmful." He really should see a therapist, although at this point, he doesn't know what he'd do or how he'd explain any of this. Is it stalkerish if he happens to live with Satoru and spend all of his time with Satoru so he just naturally observes the habits of his friends, and he sees things about Satoru no one else does?

He doesn't say more before Satoru's asking to do his hair. It's not a common occurrence, and Suguru enjoys it when he does, pleased by the attention and Satoru's hands in his hair, so he'd never think to say no. But it makes him pause momentarily, unsure why he's requesting it now, before leaning his head back into Satoru's hands. "Don't pull too hard." Not that Satoru ever does, gentler with Suguru's hair than his sisters, even.

"Do you feel okay with the letter?" he asks, as Satoru works on his hair. As long as Satoru doesn't take it too oddly or poorly and doesn't feel like he's being stalked, then it's okay. "And you don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to," he adds quickly, wanting to ensure Satoru knows that's okay. He knows he asked Satoru a lot in that letter, considering how much Satoru tends to avoid his emotions, but he didn't think it would get him acting so unsure, once again.

Satoru hadn't eaten a lot the night before and only picked at his breakfast. He'll have to make sure Satoru eats lunch, which means restructuring his day slightly, since he'd been planning on skipping lunch entirely. While Satoru works on his hair, Suguru grabs his phone, poking through his calendar app to change around a meeting.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, I immediately know that I have things I want to say. Real things, this time. Last time I ... well, you saw my dumb response. I didn't know what to say, didn't know how to react to that letter. This gives me a little more to think about and dig into. It's a dialogue now, instead of just one ... impulsive, I assume. One impulsive rush of thoughts from him." His hands are deft and skilled, and he fastens it all into place with only the one elastic, pleased at how flawless his work is. Then he takes the letter again and returns to his chair, leaving the letter open and picking up his pen. He eats without paying attention, eyes on his own work as he writes, though he's always been good at doing two things at once with different hands.

A couple times he scratches out a word or two, then a few lines, but he keeps going as he finishes breakfast. He doesn't get completely lost in it--he notes the time, then quickly folds his letter and the draft response. "Sorry. I'll get ready to leave and finish this later."

He doesn't take long to get ready, behavior not much different from usual, with only a slightly distant and thoughtful expression, leg bouncing restlessly.

At work, he actually does work, checking over pages upon pages of calculations and filling the margins with notes, corrections, commentary. Spotting flaws and charting a course forward. He almost never writes his own equations, never starts a design. But he has an unbelievable ability to pick up an unworkable draft that was going to be scrapped and to rewrite it as perfect, functional measurements.

In between, he jots down a few more thoughts on his letter, then goes through the labs and offices to socialize and check in, functioning again in his role as the genius sounding board who can resolve just about any sticking point in a project, but he could never be the one to sit down and do the project.

Almost the only clue that he's having anything other than a normal day is that he keeps orbiting back to Suguru once or twice every hour. That alone might not be strange, since he's habitually needy for Suguru's attention, but today he touches Suguru every single time, with an unusually anxious note to how he hooks on to him. His hand curls around Suguru's arm and squeezes a little too tight before he lets go and resumes talking like nothing happened. Or he shifts his chair next to Suguru's specifically so he can angle their knees to touch. It's not necessarily weird behavior for him, except that in a normal day they have plenty of interactions where Satoru can manage to remain four feet away. Today, apparently, he can't. He has to touch each time, then he can continue on with other things, or then he can manage to remain four feet away after he's grounded himself with touch.

It's actually after four before he meets Suguru back in his office, coming in to drop his response letter on Suguru's desk, then going over to sprawl on the couch, face toward the ceiling instead of toward Suguru so he won't blush while Suguru reads it.

The draft has been rewritten into a clean copy. The handwriting is as relatively tidy as Satoru's handwriting ever gets (which isn't very), and nothing is scratched out.

My unknown--

You're right about a lot.

I'm not happy, and it's not enough. They're not enough. I just feel more empty and alone after any of my dates. And I tell myself it won't happen again, that I'm done with doing this to myself. (Yeah, I know. Laughable right? Multiple times a week I tell myself this, and most of the time I actually believe it, as if I hadn't told myself the same thing two nights ago.) Then I get lonely again, the same needy itch, and I reach for my phone.

And you're right that I don't feel like anyone sees me the way I want to be seen. I've got everything I need in my life except romance, and I feel ... unlovable. I feel like people find me so frustrating and high-maintenance once they get past the pretty veneer.

But you're different? I'm supposed to believe that?

I suppose it's true you've seen past the veneer. You've been watching me, have you? All my dates? The bitterness behind my smile?

You must know this is creepy. Being told that you're watching me, that you're the only one who can satisfy me? The obsession can't be healthy for you.

So that the first thing I want to know. Why not give up and go romance someone you can have? Why keep torturing yourself with yearning for someone you can't have, who won't ever see you, when you could go have someone real? Settle, I guess. The flesh-and-blood lover who wants you rather than your dream guy who doesn't see you.

That's my next question. Why don't I see you? Your best guess, anyway. Obviously you are invisible to me, or we wouldn't be here having this paper conversation, so it seems like you're right. I want to know why that is. And you seem to know me so well, so why is it? Why don't I see this great guy who's in love with me?

Third thing I want is something specific and filthy. Anything specific and filthy, and from how horny your letters have been, I think you've got plenty on your mind. But I want something in particular: I want you to tell me something you're ashamed about wanting.

Last question, at least for now. You've said a few times that these other guys aren't good enough for me. But you are? Why? What makes you good enough?

--the talented and gorgeous Gojo Satoru

The fact that Satoru keeps coming back to touch him or just hover in his orbit is helpful because Suguru can drag him out to lunch and make sure his friend eats. He does appreciate the space, though. And not just because he's trying to figure out what the hell he's doing with this entire letter thing, half-hoping and half-dreading the potential letter he's going to get from Satoru, but because he has a project that's nearing completion and it's taking more and more of his attention as he works out bugs. It's still in a prototype, but each step gets him closer to the finalized idea.

The late afternoon is dedicated to routine tasks and maintenance; Suguru does his best to wrap up everything by three or three-thirty in the afternoon, so he can respond to emails and work out his thoughts about the project. Satoru often joins him around four, if he hasn't camped out in his office, which means he often doesn't get much done after that.

Suguru is almost concerned when Satoru shows up late, looking up in relief when he drops the letter on his desk.

"I was getting worried," he jokes, picking up the letter, although he waits to read it for a moment. "If you were much later, I'd have to go hunting for you."

He unfolds the letter, leaning back as he reads it. It does hit a few aspects he didn't expect, from how Satoru had been acting, and now he will have to figure out how to deal with those subjects. He glances over his desk at his friend and then returns to the letter. Trust Satoru to not be so blinded by the admiration.

This one will take a little longer to respond to, but that's between him and the letter. Suguru chews on his lower lip for a moment, then folds it up and stands up to hand the letter back to Satoru.

"Sounding a little firm there, Satoru. You sure you want to keep this up?" he asks, dropping the better on Satoru's face. Which would be a relief, if he quit, and then Suguru could.... He's not sure what he'd do. Go back to quietly pining from the side? Hell if he knows. "Or are you challenging him?"

That's a tempting thought, though. Maybe he can consider that for his response. But that's for later, and he puts it out of his head for the moment. Or attempts to, because ignoring it completely will be impossible.

"I'm ready to go whenever you are." He returns to his desk but only to shut down his computer and gather his bag. "Oh, as a heads up, I'll need to stay late tomorrow, unless a miracle happens with this thing. So we can make sure Ijichi is on alert to take you home, if you want."

Satoru hops up to gather his things, putting the letter away very carefully inside his coat pocket so it hopefully won't get crushed. "What do you mean? You don't think it's good?" He trails after Suguru as they head out to the car, staying close, watching him with hopefulness in his need for Suguru's approval. "I mean ... I do want to keep it up. I want him to keep writing to me. But ... but I do feel like there are things he should answer for, too. It is creepy. And maybe I ... I think I felt that a little more in the second letter. The first one was more of a shock, and the horniness was easier to deal with."

Sliding into the car and latching his seatbelt, Satoru bounces his knee restlessly, unable to keep himself from fidgeting while his mind was zooming. "The second one ... he's kind of laying claim to me, isn't he? All this about how he's the only one who can satisfy me. I ... maybe I'm challenging him, you're right. But I'm doing it specifically to flush out whether he's a creep or not. I ask it directly, because ... because I'm still kind of unnerved and maybe it is a stalker. So I need him to speak to that. And that's also a large part of the purpose of the ... why I ask for a kink he's ashamed about wanting. If this guy really is mentally unwell, I think that question will flush it out, one way or another. However he answers that question, if it's something that makes me seriously uncomfortable, then this stops."

He studies Suguru in profile, which is something that he often does when they're in the car. Suguru's so handsome and Satoru aches for him. But today he's also thoughtful, wanting to study Suguru's expressions. Why did this stop bothering you? After your initial insistence I should give it up and it was just a creep and a stalker, you've just acted like this is ... fine. Like there's no reason to be scared. Even though there objectively is.

Unless it's you.

"I was vulnerable in this letter. It was stuff I talked about with you, and now I'm sharing it with this ... stranger. Someone in my life who's obsessed with me to a degree that really isn't healthy, no matter how much I find that obsession appealing. If I'm going to continue this, then there are things I need him to answer for. Do you ... not agree with that?"

Does he think it's good? Suguru is quiet for a moment as he considers that, chewing on his lower lip out of habit. If he thinks about Satoru telling all these things to anyone else, he'd be annoyed and unhappy, recognizing that Satoru is sharing his vulnerability with someone else, which would undoubtedly mean finding someone else to be close to, another person to do things for him, and an inevitable drifting from Suguru. He's been expecting that for years, and the longer it goes without happening, the more conflicted he feels: both more comfortable with his place in Satoru's life, and more concerned for the future inevitability.

But he's writing to Suguru, even though he doesn't know it, and sharing aspects of his soul that Suguru hadn't previously had insight into. He likes that, but then... Satoru doesn't know it's him. Would that change anything? His forehead wrinkles slightly, worry in his eyes for a moment.

"It's a good letter, depending on what you're going for, and it's smart to challenge him. You're a brat, Satoru." Suguru's told him that before, and Satoru has admitted to it, so it's hardly a secret. "I do think he's creepy and vaguely stalkerish, but you seem enamored over this, and so exchanging letters isn't a terrible idea. Maybe he'll get you to think about different things." Which the letters have managed, it seems. Suguru knows Satoru doesn't think too deeply about his feelings most of the time, so these letters have triggered something in him.

"Do you think asking for a kink he's ashamed of will, what? Reveal he's into whipping people and that'll turn you off and get you to cut this off?" He's not into something that extreme; even with the slight experience he has, Suguru knows that, but he still doesn't like to dig too deeply into those aspects. He'll have to, if he wants to respond to this letter.

"I think you should stop," Suguru continues. "But I also know this is making you happy, and it's not hurting anything yet, so I'm not going to press you on it. You're smart, as shown by this. You should still watch out if he gets too possessive or creepy." He knows it's possessive and creepy and he really should not be doing this. If Satoru thinks it's unhealthy, and he finds out it's Suguru... what then?

Oh, he can never let this come to fruition.

Maybe he does need a therapist.

His hands tighten on the steering wheel and he makes a noise in the back of his throat. He glances at Satoru for a moment, then back to the road.

"You should demand answers from him, so I don't think it's a bad idea, beyond the fact that the letters are a bad idea in the first place." And he's not just judging Satoru in that; in fact, it's much more of a reminder for himself. "I just don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment. The first one was written in a fit of passion, and the second one is getting more serious, and we don't know yet what the next one will hold." If it holds anything. If he responds— although the mental debate is stupid, Suguru already knows he's going to respond. He's not sure what he's going to say, but there will be something.

Satoru grins happily at being called a brat, immediately put more at ease by it. It makes him feel acknowledged but also loved, especially for his most playful and chaotic sides.

"No, actually, I'd probably be fine with the whipping people as long as he's fine with that not happening with me. I'm looking for either something fully in the 'I want to eat your liver and wear your skin' category or something that shows an alarming lack of normal human empathy, shame, embarrassment. Regular risk-aware consensual kink ... nothing in that category is going to bother me, not really. I feel like at most I'd just be like 'nope, thanks'. But I think I want ... a little bit of vulnerability out of him, because I feel vulnerable with him knowing everything about me and me knowing nothing about him. I want to see if he'll yield me that tiny bit of power of giving me something that makes him feel vulnerable."

Suguru's opinion that he should stop makes him feel a lot safer, too. He feels on more stable ground both in himself and in Suguru in the knowledge that Suguru's watching out for him but also that Suguru trusts his judgement.

That little noise Suguru makes causes Satoru to blink curiously. What was that? Why was that?

"I've probably already set myself up for disappointment," Satoru says, with an easy, warm smile, the same kind of self-deprecating playfulness as when he comments on one of his own flaws (usually with the implied or blatant but I won't change). "I think I'm just kind of ... taking that as a given. All reasonable probability on this is that the reality will disappoint me. It'll end up being--ohhhh, you know who it probably is? That FedEx delivery driver who always starts stammering when I'm the one to sign for packages. I bet it's him." He does not actually think it's the package delivery man, who is both ten years older and ten inches shorter than Satoru, but this is both a funny and safe option, so he latches onto it as an appropriate joke. "Poor guy. Has no idea how far out of his depth he is. I'd break him. On accident. Like an hour into any date."

This comedic tangent has cheered him up immensely, and it also provides a pressure valve release for this topic which Satoru can retreat to anytime the conversation with Suguru gets a little too serious. It's a little bit mean, but not in any way that the delivery guy will ever learn about. If anything, it's likely to make Satoru kinder in interacting with him, to compensate, though he'll simultaneously be giving Suguru looks and making wicked little jokes every time they get a package from now on.

"Will you play Go with me tonight, after dinner?" It's something Satoru only tends to ask for every month or two, but he really loves playing with Suguru. He almost never plays with anyone else, and will go out of his way to avoid it unless it's some kind of publicity stunt, Satoru versus some rival genius in their field or an adjacent field.

It's definitely not the delivery guy, but it's as good a distraction as any, and Suguru indulges Satoru's commentary about it. It helps distract Satoru from the seriousness of the situation— which is surprisingly more serious than anything Suguru expected to come out of that initial letter— and it gives Suguru some breathing room. He just knows Satoru is going to connect the dots one of these days and he isn't even sure he can stop himself from doing this.

"Go? Really?" There's a hint of annoyed aggravation in his tone. It's true that Satoru only asks occasionally, and Suguru always indulges him, but even the asking sets him slightly on edge. He loves the game and loves playing with Satoru, but Suguru gets fiercely competitive about it, and it's inevitable that the game will progress late into the night. "Fine, but you're paying for my coffee tomorrow. And I'm not going easy on you this time."

Not "the loser pays for coffee" or anything like that— Suguru isn't that foolish. He doesn't expect to lose (and he doesn't always lose), but somehow every time he sets a bet on it, he loses. He's just started demanding Satoru pay for his coffee the next day after he's been up hours later than he should be.

Dinner is, luckily, easy to prepare, and Suguru enjoys cooking; he likes working with his hands, and cooking is often just another experiment or invention. He's often lost himself to hours of baking or cooking when something has been on his mind, bringing in trays of cookies or cakes for their employees, or fixing lunches for both of them when he's not facing down tricky projects. And he doesn't think about their game of Go facing him later.

"We don't have to," Satoru says, perplexed and wondering if he missed something. He trails after Suguru into the house, again leaving his phone by his blindfold and keys in the entryway without really thinking about it.

Why doesn't Suguru want to play go? Suguru's just in a weird mood in general. Maybe it's something at work? Oh. No. It's Satoru who's been in a weird mood, and way more clingy and demanding than usual. No wonder Suguru's patience is drained.

"Let's save Go for this weekend," Satoru suggests, following Suguru into the kitchen but choosing a spot on the counter to lean that should be safely out of the way. "My head's scattered, I probably couldn't focus anyway, and then you'd grumble at me for not playing seriously. And it's not really the game I want. I'm just clingy and I want your attention." As usual. "We can just read or whatever you want to do to relax. I'll buy you coffee tomorrow anyway."

Satoru chews on his lip as he watches his friend cooking, hoping he hit the right mix of soothing and casual so that Suguru won't insist on giving him what he first asked for. Probably he can convince Suguru either way: it's genuinely not the game he wants.

He just wants Suguru.

He always just wants Suguru.

"I would grumble at you." Satoru isn't wrong, and it's probably good they both recognize that. Suguru gets too into the game, one of the rare times when he's just as feral.

"We can save the game for the weekend." He shoots Satoru a relieved smile, his shoulders relaxing as he agrees. He feels slightly bad about putting off the game, and mentally promises to arrange his schedule over the weekend so they can spend at least one of the days together. It helps that he was already planning on working overtime the next day, and he can finish up anything then, leaving the weekend free. "You know you don't need a reason for my attention, Satoru. You always have it."

Is that too much? Too vulnerable? Something he should say at all? It's true though— for all that Suguru will spend time with his family and the few friends he has, Satoru takes up the rest of his time and attention. He couldn't date anyone else because... well, he didn't want anyone but Satoru, but beyond that, he didn't have time for anyone but Satoru. Even when his friend was off on dates, he was too distracted to do the same.

"And you don't have to buy me coffee." It's not that Suguru would say no to Satoru buying him coffee; it's just not a requirement for the day. "I've got some reading tonight, but that can wait. Why don't we put on another movie, maybe something we've seen before?"

That would leave it open for them to chat, if they wanted, or pick through plot points and mock the movie. Or maybe—

"We can go get dessert at that pastry shop in the mall, and wander around for a bit? Unless you'd like to stay home and rest your eyes."

"Oh, yes!" Satoru brightens happily at this plan, which contains all his favorite things: dessert, Suguru, fun. He immediately comes over to slip his arms around Suguru's waist, squeezing him tight in gratitude before releasing and getting back out of the way. "I'd like that."

After a few minutes he gets bored watching and goes to fetch a manga, sitting on the counter while he reads. Satoru's tastes in manga are wildly varied--everything from the sweetest and chastest yuri to the most violent battle narratives to the most hardcore hentai. He'll read any and all of it. The rest of his reading material is on the absolute opposite end of the spectrum from all of that: the most complex and technical non-fiction he can find. The latest research in physics or astronomy always gets priority, but again he'll read almost anything, as long as it's challenging enough to interest him.

He sets the table once Suguru tells him to, then spends most of dinner telling Suguru about the manga, which is set in magical space Venice, with the current volume featuring the King of Cats.

Suguru drops a hand to Satoru's wrist, squeezing in return, although he can't offer a full hug at the moment.

"We'll do that. We need a few things for the house, don't let me forget." He rattles off his list, sure Satoru will remember it, or at least between them, they can remember most of the list. He focuses on dinner after that, puttering around the kitchen while Satoru reads. He'll be hearing about it over dinner, which is nice. Suguru's own tastes in reading leans more toward the literary side, although he sneaks in a few shojo manga here and there when he has time, and the inclination to read something romantic.

And he does get the summary of Satoru's current readings over dinner, listening intently; Satoru is good at summarizing and telling stories, and he just likes hearing Satoru talk, so it's fun to listen to him.

Cleaning up after dinner is quick, and Suguru leaves a pan to soak and clean later, eager to get out of the house.

"Did you put your letter in the mailbox?" he asks Satoru, as they head back to the car.

"Mhm, on the way in," Satoru confirms, sliding into the car. He's bouncing a little from excitement (though it's true he does tend to bounce with energy a lot in general). "Didn't want to forget."

When they get to the mall, he hooks his arm through Suguru's to press close against his side. He never comes to places like this without Suguru--he'll sometimes go out on excursions with friends, but with busy crowds moving in multiple directions, he absolutely refuses unless he can cling to Suguru. But as long as he has his Suguru as his anchor, he feels safe.

"You know what I want? Roller coasters," Satoru says as they head inside. "You should ask if Mimiko and Nanako are free this weekend or next and if we can kidnap them."

He orders one of the pastries for now and a couple to be boxed up for later, radiating happiness as they eat their desserts and then continue on with Suguru's errands.

Along the way, an elderly woman crosses their path to stop them, even while her wife hisses and swats at her not to bother them. "You and your boyfriend are so cute together!"

"Partner," Satoru corrects immediately, cheerful and proud. "I know, I'm lucky. Isn't he handsome? He spoils me."

"They might be free this weekend. I know next weekend— Oh, I forgot. Nanako has some photos entered into a contest at school. They're doing an exhibit next Friday, she'd like us to attend, if you're interested." Suguru is required to go, according to his sisters, and he'd never dare dream of skipping something like that. And while Nanako told him that Satoru has to attend, Suguru told her that he would ask, and not make assumptions. "Maybe we could take them out next weekend afterwards, so she doesn't fret too much."

Suguru doesn't mind the clinging. He enjoys Satoru's closeness and knows he can direct Satoru around, unwilling to trust anyone else with that task when they're out together. Too many things could go wrong.

He's about to mention his sisters when the elderly lady stops them, and his cheeks flush with color, looking at the lady and her wife.

"Please ignore him," he says, elbowing Satoru in his side and offering the women a polite bow. "He does not need any more spoiling. Thank you for your kind words." He should point out that they are business partners and friends. It always flustered him when someone mistook them for boyfriends, even if he was adept at hiding his feelings and moving the conversation along. But, considering the letters and the swirling emotions flooding to the surface that he can't deny anymore, having someone acknowledge them as boyfriends... He wants that fantasy, even for a moment, in someone else's eyes. "It takes a lovely couple such as you to see others."

"Hopefully we'll be just as cute as the two of you when we get ... you can't be a day over fifty," Satoru flirts, certain that they're at least seventy. He lowers his dark glasses down his nose to wink over the top of them. "Thank you for the compliment--and for making him blush. I love seeing him blush."

On which topic, he gives Suguru an absolutely shameless grin. "Maybe you should kiss me--ah stop elbowing me, you're going to bruise my ribs!" Laughing helplessly, all brightness and joy, he hugs tight to Suguru's arm (partly to hug him and partly to prevent further elbowing), still laughing happily as they move along. He turns back to wave again at the women as they move away, leaning heavily against Suguru as he continues to giggle in happy little fits.

"Of course we'll go to Nanako's exhibit," Satoru says, getting back to the former topic. "Tell her I'm proud of her. Or, I'll text her--where's my phone? Did I leave it in the car? Remind me to text her later. Point is I'm proud of her. And also that I want roller coasters. I haven't seen your sisters enough lately. I guess I've been ... busy." He's been making self-destructive life choices, is what. But right now, despite how obsessed he feels about the letters, he also feels ... clearer. He wants Suguru, and to spend time with Suguru's family, and with their friends.

"You know, I haven't seen Shoko or Nanami and Haibara enough lately, either. I'll see if any of them are free tomorrow, since you're working late anyway."

"Flirting with the old ladies," Suguru says, with a roll of his eyes. "You really are shameless." But he's smiling as he says it, quietly amused by the antics. Satoru is a flirt, and he's always been entertained by it, especially when the flirting happens to people like the old women they just talked to. It's not so pleasant when he sees Satoru flirting with other guys, but Suguru has long since adapted to that. (Mostly by ignoring it.)

"How did you forget your phone?" Suguru shakes his head over his friend. "I'll remind you to text her. She'd be thrilled to hear you say that." His sisters like to play cool too much, acting unconcerned and indifferent about his friends, but he knows they both look up to Satoru and admire him tremendously. "Ask her about rollercoasters when you text her, too."

With Satoru practically glued to his side, he guides them into a few stores, grabbing the things they need, and some random items, making mental notes when he sees anything Satoru might like so he can come back and get it later— he likes it when he can surprise Satoru with gifts, so he can't just buy them with Satoru clinging to him like that.

It doesn't take too long, or so he thinks, but it's late when they finally leave the mall, the shops starting to close up for the evening.

Satoru remains high-energy and happy for the rest of their trip, exclaiming over things and drawing Suguru's attention to anything he thinks might make him smile or roll his eyes.

It isn't until they're leaving that he starts to realize just how much it's all drained him, even though he had an amazing time. He's subdued as they cross the parking lot, not letting go of Suguru's arm until they reach the car even though the mall isn't crowded anymore and the parking lot is nearly empty.

Quiet as he curls into the passenger seat, Satoru stays subdued on the drive home, content but tired.

When they arrive, he checks the mailbox just in case. His outgoing letter is still there.

He lingers only very briefly around Suguru inside as they put things away since--in this, as in most things--Suguru does most of the work and makes most of the decisions. Hugging his friend tightly on his way up to bed, Satoru gives him a happy but tired smile. "I had a really nice day today, Suguru."

When Satoru hugs him, Suguru gives him a tight hug in return, arms wrapped around his friend and squeezing tight. He lingers longer than necessary or appropriate, but when has anything between them been appropriate?

"So did I. We'll do it again soon." He lets go of Satoru slowly, ruffling his hair as he pulls back. "I'm going to make lunch for tomorrow, and finish putting everything away, so I won't be going up yet."

He is going to make lunch, although that's simple and he could just as easily do it in the morning, but he wants an excuse to linger downstairs and potentially slip out to get the letter. He remembers most of it and can write a response from memory, but he wants to make sure he gets it right.

He waits a little while before slipping out, and does get lunches made for both of them, since he'll be eating at his desk and he wants to make sure Satoru has something if he doesn't want to go out. He rereads the letter before starting his draft.

In the morning, when Satoru joins him, Suguru looks a little more tired than usual, bags under his eyes, but there is a letter next to Satoru's spot, along with some other mail.

五条悟—

Do you believe in souls, Satoru? I do. And the soul craves that which it desires with no rationality or logic. I desire you, and though I tell myself it is foolish and I should get over you, my soul refuses. You've burrowed into my bones so thoroughly that, in the end, they will have to suck the marrow out of me to separate you from me.

You asked why I don't settle, and that's the truth of it. There is no space in my heart for anyone, in the way they would deserve to be loved. There is no other heart I wish to be in, even if that means I am alone.

Why don't you see me? I won't know. I thought, possibly, you had, but it shifted somewhere. And now your life is busy: your career, your friendships, your dates. Is that all you want? Tell me so, and I'll stop and leave you to your life. It's not a bad life, even if the men you entertain seem like losers unable to see what they have in you. Why am I better? Because, Satoru darling, I wouldn't let you go once I had you in bed. Maybe that's why I don't want to reveal my hand: I would not be able to accept casual, or you sleeping around, or satiating my desires elsewhere once I had you. You seem to enjoy the myriad of companies you keep.

I have answered these out of order, forgive me, Princess. I wavered on responding to all of them, but I recognize what you are doing. This is scary for you, isn't it? A stranger, threatening to upend your settled routine, demanding vulnerability and giving you nothing. It might seem to you like I hold all the cards, knowing who you are and what you do while you know nothing of me, but you hold something far more dear. You hold my heart.

Rest assured, I am no brute likely to demand something gross and inelegant from you. No cannibalism fetish or serial killer instincts. I know the shape of my desires, and it's not violence I crave, but your willing submission to my hand. I'd like to bind your wrists and ankles so you can't move, and stretch open your hole, and fuck you, and only let you come if you've been good for me that day. Wraps my fingers around your throat and press until the length of it blooms with bruises. There are ways to choke someone without harming them, did you know, Satoru?

More specifically, the thing I am ashamed of: I'd let you do the same to me. Or some variation thereof, if you didn't want to do the fucking. I have never let anyone, and would never, and in general do not care to let go in such a way, even with people I trust.

Yours,
Your unknown.

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